i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize