Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
