btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
