I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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