I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
