Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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