Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
