I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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