I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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