Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize