I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
