I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
