just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
