i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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