i think my tv is drunk
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
