Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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