we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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