i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
ttyl tear gas
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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