it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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