I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
