omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
