I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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