I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
