Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
