She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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