Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
