I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
