Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
