the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
