In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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