i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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