the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
