I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize