I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
