I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
