My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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