I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
