There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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