i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
