im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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