how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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