If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
