i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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