I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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