if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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