My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
