Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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