Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize