I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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