The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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