Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
