Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My liver just broke up with me...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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