This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
