Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
