The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Randomize
