How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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