It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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