I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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