And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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