That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize