i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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