he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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