Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
