I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
