i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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