Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
