I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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