Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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