his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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