my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He felt like a one man threesome
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
