The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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